Easter

This past Sunday we celebrated Easter.  Yes, this year was more of a celebration than last in that we celebrated Ambree, but I was well aware of Larissa's absence.  Of course I am aware of Larissa not being present during each of my daily activities, but somehow holidays have a way of heightening our losses.  I cannot believe that it is already our second Easter without Larissa.  I was reminded once again of what should have been as I scoured the racks in search of the perfect Easter dress for Ambree.  Anyone whom has tried to dress a six week old infant in a dress and tights is aware it is no easy task.  Each dress that I admired was too big for Ambree, but would have been perfect for Larissa.  Would have been but cannot be because Larissa is not here.  My life since November of 2010 has been filled with should have and would have been(s).  It's still surreal to me and although Larissa is on my mind often the reality of her absence creeps up on me in a way I cannot explain.  As our family expands, Ambree and any other subsequent children will always notice a sadness on behalf of myself and my husband as we are grateful for what we have but ache so badly for what we have lost. 

It's so strange to me because as I purchased items to fill Ambree's Easter basket I was well aware that I should be filling a 17 month old's basket as well.  However, Ambree is Larissa's gift to my husband and me.  Without Larissa we would never have had Ambree, but we would still have Larissa.  I cannot imagine life without Ambree but I was given no choice but to continue life without Larissa.  

Ambree was less than interested in the Easter bunny's arrival.  My husband and I laughed as she cried to eat while we finished opening her Easter basket.  As a six week old, all she cares about is eating and sleeping, so Easter was of little importance to her, but we still had fun.  We dressed her in her first Easter sleeper (inclusive of little bunny feet) and later tortured her in a very frilly dress and tights.  The things parents do to their children for their own entertainment.  Of course, we got a lot of photos so someday Ambree will be well aware of how we tortured her.  But when I look at the photos taken I see two happy parents with their newborn, but know those photos are not complete.  Larissa should be in those photos, but then again, Ambree would not.  I miss Larissa so very much and our family will forever be 'minus one', but in some sense it is now 'plus one' because unless by accident we would not have had another baby so close to Larissa had she survived.  

So another holiday came and went and we survived.  Again, this year was much more joyful than last, but we will forever long for Larissa's presence and wonder what our lives would have been like had she not been stillborn.  Our lives are forever changed in ways that only other bereaved parents can understand.  I told my husband the other day that since Ambree's arrival, I have three baby girls:  my almost 4 year old niece whom I still call 'baby girl', Larissa and now Ambree.  The reality of it though is that my niece and Ambree will continue to grow and hopefully live a full happy life and will no longer be my  baby girls, but Larissa will always remain my baby girl as that is all I will ever know.