"Wait till the baby comes." A common expression that I hear all too often, in fact, I probably hear someone say this to me practically every single day. Usually, people say it when I yawn. So, I can't help but ask myself what that comment even means. Are these people insinuating that once our little one arrives, I won't get any sleep? Little do they know that I yawn (and often) because I haven't slept well since November 15th of 2010 when we had to say 'hello' and 'goodbye' to our precious daughter on the same day. Initially, my daughter kept me awake at night because I longed so badly for Larissa to be crying in her nursery, not her mom sobbing in her bedroom. It's not natural to bury your child and me crying for months on end after delivery is certainly not the way I had planned on spending the duration of 2010 and much of 2011. I cried more tears than one could imagine possible to shed and on top of that the moments I would dose off, I would awake to an awful panic attack as the reality of losing Larissa slapped me in the face all over again. Oh, and then there were the months of trying to conceive unsuccessfully due to a luteal phase defect (which I knew was a source of our infertility but our doctor failed to recognize as such). I would lie awake at night reflecting upon the forty weeks I spent pregnant with Larissa and on cloud nine and lay awake with thoughts of what should have been and the fear of it never being again haunting me. Then, once pregnancy was achieved I worried incessantly about having a miscarriage. That fear was replaced with the fear of having another stillborn baby after I reached the 20 week mark in my current pregnancy. Now that I am approaching the end, I lay awake, poking my belly waiting for life to move inside of me. I lay awake shedding tears as I long so much to hold and nurture Larissa. I lay awake shedding tears with the fear of losing not only our firstborn, but our second born as well. So, for all those people who treat me like I am a mom expecting her first child whom feel the need to comment when I let signs of my sleepless nights evidence themselves, I have two things to say to you: 1) This is not my first child and 2) I am very well prepared for sleepless nights and will much prefer being awake at night feeding and comforting our little one than sobbing in my bed with my haunting thoughts.
And for every person whom has asked me the other million dollar question "Are you ready?" Again, I wonder to myself what that question even means. I was told at 40 weeks gestation that our precious daughter (whom I took every precaution to make arrive in this world healthy), no longer had a beating heart. As if the news that my firstborn was deceased at 40 weeks gestation was not traumatic enough, we then had to relay the news to our family and friends and I had to labor and deliver our beautiful daughter. The trauma certainly did not stop there...with any trauma comes irrational thoughts, anger, rage, sadness, panic attacks and a loss of innocence. Every one always says it can happen to me, but no one truly believes that until they fall victim to trauma themselves. So, am I ready? No, I am not ready. I am not ready for the sound of a crying baby in the delivery room, as all I know is fetal demise. I am not ready with a prepared nursery and baby items readily available in our house, because after a full term stillbirth none of that matters. I am very much so ready to be not only a mom, but a parent. I want this so badly, it hurts. I'm ready for the sleepless nights and challenges associated with being a parent. I am not ready in the typical sense...again, no nesting and/or preparations for me. But, I am ready, so very ready, to be a parent to a live child.
