Easter

This past Sunday we celebrated Easter.  Yes, this year was more of a celebration than last in that we celebrated Ambree, but I was well aware of Larissa's absence.  Of course I am aware of Larissa not being present during each of my daily activities, but somehow holidays have a way of heightening our losses.  I cannot believe that it is already our second Easter without Larissa.  I was reminded once again of what should have been as I scoured the racks in search of the perfect Easter dress for Ambree.  Anyone whom has tried to dress a six week old infant in a dress and tights is aware it is no easy task.  Each dress that I admired was too big for Ambree, but would have been perfect for Larissa.  Would have been but cannot be because Larissa is not here.  My life since November of 2010 has been filled with should have and would have been(s).  It's still surreal to me and although Larissa is on my mind often the reality of her absence creeps up on me in a way I cannot explain.  As our family expands, Ambree and any other subsequent children will always notice a sadness on behalf of myself and my husband as we are grateful for what we have but ache so badly for what we have lost. 

It's so strange to me because as I purchased items to fill Ambree's Easter basket I was well aware that I should be filling a 17 month old's basket as well.  However, Ambree is Larissa's gift to my husband and me.  Without Larissa we would never have had Ambree, but we would still have Larissa.  I cannot imagine life without Ambree but I was given no choice but to continue life without Larissa.  

Ambree was less than interested in the Easter bunny's arrival.  My husband and I laughed as she cried to eat while we finished opening her Easter basket.  As a six week old, all she cares about is eating and sleeping, so Easter was of little importance to her, but we still had fun.  We dressed her in her first Easter sleeper (inclusive of little bunny feet) and later tortured her in a very frilly dress and tights.  The things parents do to their children for their own entertainment.  Of course, we got a lot of photos so someday Ambree will be well aware of how we tortured her.  But when I look at the photos taken I see two happy parents with their newborn, but know those photos are not complete.  Larissa should be in those photos, but then again, Ambree would not.  I miss Larissa so very much and our family will forever be 'minus one', but in some sense it is now 'plus one' because unless by accident we would not have had another baby so close to Larissa had she survived.  

So another holiday came and went and we survived.  Again, this year was much more joyful than last, but we will forever long for Larissa's presence and wonder what our lives would have been like had she not been stillborn.  Our lives are forever changed in ways that only other bereaved parents can understand.  I told my husband the other day that since Ambree's arrival, I have three baby girls:  my almost 4 year old niece whom I still call 'baby girl', Larissa and now Ambree.  The reality of it though is that my niece and Ambree will continue to grow and hopefully live a full happy life and will no longer be my  baby girls, but Larissa will always remain my baby girl as that is all I will ever know.

She's Here!

It's been quite some time since I've posted and this post in particular is long overdue. Our miracle baby, Ambree, arrived safely on February 21st at 11:04 pm. Of course, she didn't arrive without a fight and causing me a few last sleepless nights, but she is here! She is already six weeks old.

     We had an amnio completed at 37 weeks to check for lung maturity. There was an initial error in the results, indicating our little one's lungs were not mature. The test was completed on the Friday prior to Ambree's arrival. That day was a challenge as the amnio was completed at the same hospital in which I delivered Larissa. Passing the room in which I gave birth to Larissa brought back that night from November of 2010 as if it were yesterday.

     Of course, I anticipated this and anyone whom has walked in my shoes knows that trauma never escapes you.  My heart sunk entering the labor and delivery unit and seeing that familiar room 337.  However, once we were there my fears subsided and I was beyond ready to deliver my baby girl.  Things did not work out as such.  After the completion of the amnio (a very easy, relatively pain-free procedure) we waited patiently for two hours for the results of the amnio while hooked up to a fetal monitor to ensure our baby wasn't in any distress.  We were informed at the end of our two hour wait that the results indicated our baby's lungs were not mature.  I was disappointed, but obviously didn't want to place my baby in jeopardy by delivering prematurely.  

     That was a Friday...fast forward now to Tuesday, the day we brought our rainbow baby into this world.  I received a call from my OB-GYN's office that the full results of my amnio were in and that our baby's lungs were indeed mature...very mature.  So, a few hours after that phone call and continuous poking of my belly to ensure our baby was okay, labor was induced.  Again, for whatever reason my journey to parenthood was a struggle and Ambree was not about to enter this world without a fight.  Half an hour after labor was induced, I was dilated 3cm, but was also passing significant blood clots.  My OB quickly made the decision to deliver Ambree via an emergency C-section as he was worried about a possible placental abruption.  That was all I needed to hear as I had read many stories of stillbirth secondary to placental abrution.  

     However, I didn't have too much time to worry as I was prepped for surgery and in under half an hour from the time my OB decided to do a section, Ambree arrived safely.  Granted the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck and arm, but according to our fetal monitor she was never in any distress, and entered this world screaming.  

     I would love to say that her screams gave me instant relief...and they did to some extent.  However, a cry wasn't enough for me.  After all, I'm a trauma victim.  I did feel very relieved after seeing her and the pediatrician giving her a 9.9 on the Apgar Scale.  That made me relax and I was overjoyed with her arrival.  There isn't anything like it in the world.  

     We never did find a reason for my passing blood clots.  My placenta was fine as was the rest of my anatomy.  My doctor surmises it was from my cervix ripening too quickly in conjunction with my water breaking.  Either way, it doesn't matter as she is here and she's just perfect.  Hence why I haven't posted in a while.  I've been too busy holding my little one and marveling at her beauty.

     My advice to all bereaved moms no matter where you are in your journey is the following:  Pregnancy and childbirth when all goes well is a miraculous event.  I know all too well how scary it is to try again and how long nine months feels to a bereaved mom.  However, speaking from experience, the birth of a live child makes every ounce of worry, irrational thoughts, and tears shed all worthwhile.  While I type this with one hand I hold my miracle with my free hand.  She has restored joy in our lives an had we not tried again, we would never have gotten to experience this joy.  However, our journey has not ended with Ambree's arrival.  Ambree has also helped make Larisa feel that much more real and makes me miss her even more.  So, although I feel joy once again, I will always long for my firstborn.  It's weird because without Larissa we would never have Ambree, but we would still have Larissa.  I should have a live 17 month old and a newborn, but life had other plans for us and you must face what life deals you.