As I mentioned earlier, we had our 20 week scan today. I don't need to reiterate that with the exception of my bleed, all looks normal. I use that term loosely because pregnancy is not normal after a full term stillbirth. Last night, prior to my scan, I went on my good friend Google researching Trisomy 18 and 21. I somehow feel better knowing as much as possible about potential problems rather than being completely shocked when given the devastating news. The problem with my traumatic mind is that I can't let myself relax. I knew our baby is alive as I am able to frequently feel him or her move, but I didn't know what they would find on the ultrasound. So, I do research to be prepared. Prepared for those words..."sometimes these things just happen." I was told that with Larissa, after my miscarriage in the fall (a secret I kept very quiet, hence why I never posted about it), after my bleed, and when they thought I had an extra placental lobe during this pregnancy. I learned today, I don't have an accessory lobe, it's just my bleed still there.
En route to the maternal fetal medicine, I tried to calm myself down by thinking there's nothing I can do to change any outcome. However, that's just a coping mechanism. Had I been given terrible news today, I wouldn't have been calm. I would have been devastated. I try to emotionally distance myself from any pregnancy since Larissa, but that's hard. After all, my body is changing and my baby is wiggling. It would be against human nature not to feel some excitement and anticipation.
That being said, I'm due November 29th and with an early delivery like we had with Ambree there's a possibility of delivering on or around Larissa's birthday, November 15th. At my 8 week scan when we learned the due date, I was petrified. Now, I calmly try to tell myself we need something happy in November and this is what we were given. But, realistically, I keep hearing the prenatal nurses words stated to me when Larissa passed away...."You are number two. We always have a death in November, December and January." I can't help but think daily, am I going to become yet another November statistic? Will the nurse hand me my informational packet they now pass out to bereaved parents at the hospital?
Yes, 20 weeks pregnant with potentially 18-20 more to go. I haven't calculated that down to hours and minutes but it's a lot of time for me to worry and think the worst. This time around, when I'm thinking irrational thoughts, I admire my now 16 month old daughter, and try to believe that it is possible. She's here and well. We deserve it again so I need to start believing that.
Thursday, July 11, 2013
Here We Go Again...
On March 22nd my husband and I found out we were expecting another bundle. We had been trying to conceive so it didn't really come as a surprise. However, it was a little bit of a shock when I peed on that stick and two pink lines had appeared. I guess I hadn't been expecting it so quickly. I'm always torn with emotion when I take a pregnancy test. I struggled with my luteal phase defect after Larissa and had to use Clomid to become pregnant with Ambree. Anyone whom has experienced any type of infertility at all knows its stressful peeing on that stick. Combine my history of infertility with loss and things become even more complicated. One pink line makes me think "Am I infertile again?" Two pink lines is followed by maybe five minutes of elation which is quickly replaced with "Oh shit, here we go again."
Yes, "oh shit, here we go again." Clearly, that is not a natural response to an upcoming pregnancy. I would assume only a few women or a pregnant teen experiences those same sentiments. However, pregnancy is terrifying for me. I relish in my growing belly often becoming larger than I should or at least larger than I care to be, but for me with each gained pound I feel reassurance that my baby is okay. Lets ignore the fact that often if 4 pounds are gained in a month, maybe one is my belly region and 3 my thighs, but I'm a trauma victim so it's expected one should gain weight when pregnant so that helps the battle of horrific thoughts racing in my mind.
I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant. I had my 20 week scan today and surprisingly all looked well. However, this pregnancy has not gone uncomplicated. At 11 weeks, I was at work (on a weekend, the Saturday before Mother's Day) and started to bleed. I called my husband and we went to the ER. Another problem with loss is that I hide my pregnancy as long as possible so we had to take Ambree with us to the ER since we couldn't ask anyone to watch her. I was there from 11:30 in the morning till 6:30 in the evening, finally learning at 3pm that our baby was still with us. I was absolutely prepared for the worst but weirdly I knew that at the time it wasn't the end of this pregnancy. I was just able to feel it. Believe me, it didn't stop me from crying or screaming "why me?" en route to the ER, but even through that I had a good feeling. Turns out I have a subchorionic bleed. It's a bleed that forms in the chorionic membrane. I actually had two, one up high by my placenta and one down low by my cervix. Now that I'm 20 weeks pregnant I can say that these typically cause no complications for the pregnancy. However, I bled again at 13 weeks from the bleed lower in my cervix and my bleed higher up is still with us. They typically reabsorb by 20 weeks, but can hang on until pregnancy. Of course, mine is hanging on. It's a little unnerving but I'm really trying to believe that we deserve this baby and have endured enough trauma and all will be well.
So, here it is for the world to read. I'm expecting again. Those are words I have yet to state to my co-workers, some friends and family. Our close family just learned we were expecting a few weeks ago. It all goes back to trauma. Most people pee on a stick and shout it to the world. Not a victim of full term stillbirth. We keep silent until people are gutsy enough to ask "is that a baby bump?"
Yes, "oh shit, here we go again." Clearly, that is not a natural response to an upcoming pregnancy. I would assume only a few women or a pregnant teen experiences those same sentiments. However, pregnancy is terrifying for me. I relish in my growing belly often becoming larger than I should or at least larger than I care to be, but for me with each gained pound I feel reassurance that my baby is okay. Lets ignore the fact that often if 4 pounds are gained in a month, maybe one is my belly region and 3 my thighs, but I'm a trauma victim so it's expected one should gain weight when pregnant so that helps the battle of horrific thoughts racing in my mind.
I'm currently 20 weeks pregnant. I had my 20 week scan today and surprisingly all looked well. However, this pregnancy has not gone uncomplicated. At 11 weeks, I was at work (on a weekend, the Saturday before Mother's Day) and started to bleed. I called my husband and we went to the ER. Another problem with loss is that I hide my pregnancy as long as possible so we had to take Ambree with us to the ER since we couldn't ask anyone to watch her. I was there from 11:30 in the morning till 6:30 in the evening, finally learning at 3pm that our baby was still with us. I was absolutely prepared for the worst but weirdly I knew that at the time it wasn't the end of this pregnancy. I was just able to feel it. Believe me, it didn't stop me from crying or screaming "why me?" en route to the ER, but even through that I had a good feeling. Turns out I have a subchorionic bleed. It's a bleed that forms in the chorionic membrane. I actually had two, one up high by my placenta and one down low by my cervix. Now that I'm 20 weeks pregnant I can say that these typically cause no complications for the pregnancy. However, I bled again at 13 weeks from the bleed lower in my cervix and my bleed higher up is still with us. They typically reabsorb by 20 weeks, but can hang on until pregnancy. Of course, mine is hanging on. It's a little unnerving but I'm really trying to believe that we deserve this baby and have endured enough trauma and all will be well.
So, here it is for the world to read. I'm expecting again. Those are words I have yet to state to my co-workers, some friends and family. Our close family just learned we were expecting a few weeks ago. It all goes back to trauma. Most people pee on a stick and shout it to the world. Not a victim of full term stillbirth. We keep silent until people are gutsy enough to ask "is that a baby bump?"
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