20 Week Ultrasound

As I mentioned earlier, we had our 20 week scan today.  I don't need to reiterate that with the exception of my bleed, all looks normal.  I use that term loosely because pregnancy is not normal after a full term stillbirth.  Last night, prior to my scan, I went on my good friend Google researching Trisomy 18 and 21.  I somehow feel better knowing as much as possible about potential problems rather than being completely shocked when given the devastating news.  The problem with my traumatic mind is that I can't let myself relax.  I knew our baby is alive as I am able to frequently feel him or her move, but I didn't know what they would find on the ultrasound.  So, I do research to be prepared.  Prepared for those words..."sometimes these things just happen."  I was told that with Larissa, after my miscarriage in the fall (a secret I kept very quiet, hence why I never posted about it), after my bleed, and when they thought I had an extra placental lobe during this pregnancy.  I learned today, I don't have an accessory lobe, it's just my bleed still there. 
     En route to the maternal fetal medicine, I tried to calm myself down by thinking there's nothing I can do to change any outcome.  However, that's just a coping mechanism.  Had I been given terrible news today, I wouldn't have been calm.  I would have been devastated.  I try to emotionally distance myself from any pregnancy since Larissa, but that's hard.  After all, my body is changing and my baby is wiggling.  It would be against human nature not to feel some excitement and anticipation. 
     That being said, I'm due November 29th and with an early delivery like we had with Ambree there's a possibility of delivering on or around Larissa's birthday, November 15th.  At my 8 week scan when we learned the due date, I was petrified.  Now, I calmly try to tell myself we need something happy in November and this is what we were given.  But, realistically, I keep hearing the prenatal nurses words stated to me when Larissa passed away...."You are number two.  We always have a death in November, December and January."  I can't help but think daily, am I going to become yet another November statistic?  Will the nurse hand me my informational packet they now pass out to bereaved parents at the hospital?
     Yes, 20 weeks pregnant with potentially 18-20 more to go.  I haven't calculated that down to hours and minutes but it's a lot of time for me to worry and think the worst.  This time around, when I'm thinking irrational thoughts, I admire my now 16 month old daughter, and try to believe that it is possible.  She's here and well.  We deserve it again so I need to start believing that.