Bah, humbug

Well, here it is...the eve of Christmas Eve.  Prior to Larissa's death I never understood why so many people dislike the holiday season.  However, I must admit that even though I am not as raw with pain as last year I still find it challenging to get into the spirit of the season.  Granted, I know that many people dislike the season because of the hustle and bustle and stress of decorating, baking, shopping and wrapping.  I wish that is why I disliked this time of year.  I want to shout at those stressed out parents and enlighten them all to how very fortunate they are to have live children to cause them stress.  My dislike goes much deeper than that.  Every time I visit the mall or local retailer, I am reminded of this time last year wandering through every store in our local mall that sold infant girls' clothing in search of the perfect outfit for Larissa to wear when laid to rest.  I have not frequented any of those stores that exclusively sell baby's clothing since this same time last year.  The stores that house other departments than the infant and toddler clothing section, I visit once again, but avoid the baby department like the plague.  I wonder to myself when I am with a family member who is in search of something in that department, if they notice how I strategically disappear wandering into the housewares or jewelry department while they obtain what they need.  It's necessary for me to do that so that I do not break down in tears at what should have been.  I look at every parent with envy when I pass they baby's clothing department as they scour the racks for outfits for each of their multiple live children.  Yes, multiple...that is mind boggling to me.  The idea of one live child seems an impossible feat, let alone these parents that have so many they cannot even keep track.  I caution each of those parents to cherish the time they have with each of their children as none of us knows what tomorrow brings.  Yes, we all think it will never happen to us...but ask anyone whom has endured a tragedy and they will tell you they too, once felt that way.  It is human nature...bad things happen to others, not me...but the reality is that these tragedies happen all too often and all the time to people just like myself. 

Memories...I recall going through the motions of the holiday season passing out already wrapped gifts that were purchased before Larissa's birth.  After all, I was going to be too busy to shop and wrap.  This time last year I wasn't busy at all...I literally slept my days away, wishing that my life would end.  Sleep was my only escape, but the downside to that were the panic attacks that endured after I awoke with the harsh reality of my so called life slapping me in the face all over again.  So, yes, Christmas takes on a whole new meaning for me.  I will forever be sad with the jingle of every holiday tune, glistening Christmas lights and little girls in their beautiful Christmas dresses.  Little girls' Christmas dresses...yet another reason why I avoid the baby's clothing department.  

So, I need to brace myself and get through the next two days.  I will certainly survive, especially if I survived 2010.  However, I imagine not without shedding many more tears.  I will cry when I put just my husband's presents under the Christmas tree as I know it should be much more crowded with gifts for our precious daughter.  I cried when I hung just two stockings this year.  Hadn't I been pregnant for nine months and shouldn't this be the second year I hang a stocking for Larissa?  It should be but it isn't.  It will never be.  Even if my husband and I have one, two or three more live children our family will always be minus one.  People forget that.  They think that because I am pregnant again, all is well, but I know all too well that being pregnant does not guarantee bringing home a live child.  

My current pregnancy brought back flashbacks of this time last year as well.  Today, I ventured out in the morning in search of some new maternity clothes as I am getting too large for many that I already own.  When I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I was reminded of last year and how irritated I was that I had to get dressed for the holidays with my post pregnancy body.  Maternity clothes no longer fit me and yet I didn't fit into my normal clothes yet.  I get so frustrated when I hear moms of live children complain about their post pregnancy bodies.  Again, I caution these parents to watch what they say.  They have the prize at the end of the 40 weeks.  I was given a saggy stomach and larger than normal thighs with no infant to carry around as evidence of my larger than normal body.  I just looked fat....and no, I was not blessed with the luxury of nursing a newborn to watch my pregnancy weight melt off.  I had to do it the hard way....many hours at the gym running at my fastest pace ever in order to get back into my pre-pregnancy skinny jeans.  I worry about my weight gain again with this pregnancy, but not because I am worried I won't lose it, but I am so scared I gained all this weight and watched my body transform for just forty short weeks with our little one.  I want and I deserve a lifetime with this child.  

I pray that I find the strength to get through yet another Christmas holiday without Larissa and that any newly bereaved parent finds the strength to face each day.  I hope that 2012 is a better year for my husband and me and that we are too busy with an infant this time next year to focus on my sadness.  

Hope and Fear...

We had our 28 week ultrasound this past Friday.  Of course, I was a nervous wreck with the anticipation of the ultrasound, being that with our pregnancy with Larissa we had three ultrasounds in total.  Now that we are considered high risk, it is standard procedure to have growth ultrasounds beginning at 28 weeks.  My mind was racing for days prior to the scan with fear and anxiety of potential things that could have gone wrong in the two month time span since our previous ultrasound.  I relied on my good friend Google to research what exactly the doctor would be looking for during this scan.  Because as many of you know, pregnancy after a loss is different.  Ultrasound scans are no longer a time of excitedly guessing our baby's gender and/or admiring our little one's features with visions of the future.  Pregnancy after full-term stillbirth entails no planning.  I cannot even pack a diaper bag.  Whatever remains in our diaper bag from when it was packed in anticipation of Larissa's arrival is what will be accompanying us to the hospital upon time of delivery.  I am envious of the moms-to-be that anxiously await each ultrasound and even request ultrasounds just to get a look at their little one before his or her arrival.  Any appointment with this pregnancy is filled with anxiety and fear, but at this point in the game, ultrasounds seem to provoke the most anxiety. 

With that being said, our 28 week ultrasound proved to be the first time during this pregnancy that I really let my guard down and felt hope and even for the slightest moment visions of our future with this new little being.  The ultrasound technician was extremely upbeat and her excitement was contagious.  She enabled me to feel like a mom whom hadn't endured such a tragic loss...one whom was just filled with hope and anticipation of their child's arrival...just like my former naive self.  

It was hard not to feel some excitement being that portions of the ultrasound were done in 4D.  We were never afforded the opportunity of these scans with Larissa and they are absolutely amazing.  Our little one resembles Larissa, having been blessed (or not so blessed) with my nose.  He or she kept blocking her face with his or her arms, making it challenging for us to get a view.  My husband and I laugh that they are our baby's paparazzi shots, trying to block the view being that he or she is frustrated with my constant poking and prodding of my belly.  But, determined we were, and we have many photos of our precious baby wiggling inside of me.  Pregnancy is amazing and even after a loss, one cannot help but get excited.  After all, I am this child's lifeline and it is my nutrition enabling this child to thrive...we are one and I hope that in a few months our child can thrive without my blood supply and that we are leaving the hospital with a healthy newborn. 

Grief Knows No Time Line

The holiday season: a time of year filled with hustle and bustle, parties, decorating, baking, gift exchange and a time of great joy.  Yes, it should be a time of great joy and happiness but I know all too well that grief knows no time line.  Grief, sadness and loss do not stop for any holiday or otherwise joyous day.  I wander through the mall this year looking for Christmas gifts and trying to ignore the happy holiday tunes blasting in the background.  I purchase each gift with the recipient in mind trying to bring a smile to each of their faces.  Meanwhile, I wipe a tear from my eye each time I visit the mall and see the line of infants and small children waiting to sit on Santa's lap.  I put my blinders on as I pass the infants' departments in the mall and see the glistening Christmas dresses that Larissa will never wear.  I cannot help but wonder how many of the people I pass are longing for a loved one whom is battling a serious illness and/or has recently or not so recently passed away.  Christmas should be a time of great joy, but it is for many people a time of great sadness.  Every year on Christmas I think of each person celebrating alone on this alleged joyous day and of each person confined to a hospital, nursing home and/or other unpleasant institution. 

Last year at this time, I have very few memories of the holiday season.  It was supposed to be a time when my husband and I would be busy with our newborn daughter, whose arrival was scheduled just before Thanksgiving.  Again, grief and loss know no time line.  They strike one at the most inopportune times.  Too many people in this world sit beside their loved ones holding their hand as they take their last breath during this holiday season.  The holidays are forever changed for me as I will always be reminded of our tragic loss.  I engage myself this year in decorating, baking and shopping as I find keeping myself busy keeps my mind occupied and enables me to focus on some positives in life.  After all, I do love a decorated home and this year I look at our decorated Christmas tree with two ornaments in memory of our daughter.  I don't need these visual reminders to think of Larissa, as she is on my mind daily, but it is our way of including her in the holiday season each year.  However, our house has hidden items of what should have been everywhere I turn.  I opened the closet to get out wrapping paper the other day and my heart stopped briefly as I saw Larissa's Baby Bjorn and play mat tucked away in the corner.   Every instance where a tucked away baby item is revealed in our house, I am hit with such sadness and grief and reminders of this time last year and the reality of losing Larissa.  I am also reminded of each newly bereaved parent in our shoes this year.  I know we are not the first parents to lose and a child and unfortunately are not the last.  Many newly bereaved parents are battling this holiday season with ache in their hearts for their missing precious child.

For any newly bereaved parent whom has found my site in hopes of finding someone whom has walked down that dark path of grief, I offer you this....

It is just a little over one year since we said 'hello' and 'goodbye' to our precious daughter all in the same day.  It has been a long, awful year of sadness and extreme pain and trying to find a new 'normal.' I hope that each newly bereaved parent reading this post finds the strength to get through each day and finds some joy and happiness in their lives again.  It is true that grief and sadness know no time line and that life must go on.  I am proof that it does indeed go on and you have no choice but to go with it.  Here I am, one  year after our loss, and as I decorated our tree this year with 'Our Happy Life Together' ornaments I am reminded of a few positives this year.  I hung the  ornament shaped like a fish which symbolizes blessings...and yes this year I feel blessed.   We are blessed for the forty weeks I had with Larissa and blessed with the life growing inside of me once again.  I also reflected on my life in this past year when I hung the two ornaments from the kit that symbolize true love and happiness.  This year I am grateful for the true love Larissa taught both myself and her father and I am grateful for feeling moments of happiness once again.  One year ago today, the thought of smiling and experiencing joy ever again was incomprehensible.  However, there are things that bring me happiness: memories of my pregnancy with Larissa, my supportive husband, family and friends, and the movement of our new addition to our family fluttering inside my belly. 

Time won't heal your pain, but you will become more accustomed to carrying around with you the weight of your loss.  I hope that each of you finds joy and happiness in your lives again.