Well, here it is...the eve of Christmas Eve. Prior to Larissa's death I never understood why so many people dislike the holiday season. However, I must admit that even though I am not as raw with pain as last year I still find it challenging to get into the spirit of the season. Granted, I know that many people dislike the season because of the hustle and bustle and stress of decorating, baking, shopping and wrapping. I wish that is why I disliked this time of year. I want to shout at those stressed out parents and enlighten them all to how very fortunate they are to have live children to cause them stress. My dislike goes much deeper than that. Every time I visit the mall or local retailer, I am reminded of this time last year wandering through every store in our local mall that sold infant girls' clothing in search of the perfect outfit for Larissa to wear when laid to rest. I have not frequented any of those stores that exclusively sell baby's clothing since this same time last year. The stores that house other departments than the infant and toddler clothing section, I visit once again, but avoid the baby department like the plague. I wonder to myself when I am with a family member who is in search of something in that department, if they notice how I strategically disappear wandering into the housewares or jewelry department while they obtain what they need. It's necessary for me to do that so that I do not break down in tears at what should have been. I look at every parent with envy when I pass they baby's clothing department as they scour the racks for outfits for each of their multiple live children. Yes, multiple...that is mind boggling to me. The idea of one live child seems an impossible feat, let alone these parents that have so many they cannot even keep track. I caution each of those parents to cherish the time they have with each of their children as none of us knows what tomorrow brings. Yes, we all think it will never happen to us...but ask anyone whom has endured a tragedy and they will tell you they too, once felt that way. It is human nature...bad things happen to others, not me...but the reality is that these tragedies happen all too often and all the time to people just like myself.
Memories...I recall going through the motions of the holiday season passing out already wrapped gifts that were purchased before Larissa's birth. After all, I was going to be too busy to shop and wrap. This time last year I wasn't busy at all...I literally slept my days away, wishing that my life would end. Sleep was my only escape, but the downside to that were the panic attacks that endured after I awoke with the harsh reality of my so called life slapping me in the face all over again. So, yes, Christmas takes on a whole new meaning for me. I will forever be sad with the jingle of every holiday tune, glistening Christmas lights and little girls in their beautiful Christmas dresses. Little girls' Christmas dresses...yet another reason why I avoid the baby's clothing department.
So, I need to brace myself and get through the next two days. I will certainly survive, especially if I survived 2010. However, I imagine not without shedding many more tears. I will cry when I put just my husband's presents under the Christmas tree as I know it should be much more crowded with gifts for our precious daughter. I cried when I hung just two stockings this year. Hadn't I been pregnant for nine months and shouldn't this be the second year I hang a stocking for Larissa? It should be but it isn't. It will never be. Even if my husband and I have one, two or three more live children our family will always be minus one. People forget that. They think that because I am pregnant again, all is well, but I know all too well that being pregnant does not guarantee bringing home a live child.
My current pregnancy brought back flashbacks of this time last year as well. Today, I ventured out in the morning in search of some new maternity clothes as I am getting too large for many that I already own. When I looked at my reflection in the mirror, I was reminded of last year and how irritated I was that I had to get dressed for the holidays with my post pregnancy body. Maternity clothes no longer fit me and yet I didn't fit into my normal clothes yet. I get so frustrated when I hear moms of live children complain about their post pregnancy bodies. Again, I caution these parents to watch what they say. They have the prize at the end of the 40 weeks. I was given a saggy stomach and larger than normal thighs with no infant to carry around as evidence of my larger than normal body. I just looked fat....and no, I was not blessed with the luxury of nursing a newborn to watch my pregnancy weight melt off. I had to do it the hard way....many hours at the gym running at my fastest pace ever in order to get back into my pre-pregnancy skinny jeans. I worry about my weight gain again with this pregnancy, but not because I am worried I won't lose it, but I am so scared I gained all this weight and watched my body transform for just forty short weeks with our little one. I want and I deserve a lifetime with this child.
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