Hope and Fear...

We had our 28 week ultrasound this past Friday.  Of course, I was a nervous wreck with the anticipation of the ultrasound, being that with our pregnancy with Larissa we had three ultrasounds in total.  Now that we are considered high risk, it is standard procedure to have growth ultrasounds beginning at 28 weeks.  My mind was racing for days prior to the scan with fear and anxiety of potential things that could have gone wrong in the two month time span since our previous ultrasound.  I relied on my good friend Google to research what exactly the doctor would be looking for during this scan.  Because as many of you know, pregnancy after a loss is different.  Ultrasound scans are no longer a time of excitedly guessing our baby's gender and/or admiring our little one's features with visions of the future.  Pregnancy after full-term stillbirth entails no planning.  I cannot even pack a diaper bag.  Whatever remains in our diaper bag from when it was packed in anticipation of Larissa's arrival is what will be accompanying us to the hospital upon time of delivery.  I am envious of the moms-to-be that anxiously await each ultrasound and even request ultrasounds just to get a look at their little one before his or her arrival.  Any appointment with this pregnancy is filled with anxiety and fear, but at this point in the game, ultrasounds seem to provoke the most anxiety. 

With that being said, our 28 week ultrasound proved to be the first time during this pregnancy that I really let my guard down and felt hope and even for the slightest moment visions of our future with this new little being.  The ultrasound technician was extremely upbeat and her excitement was contagious.  She enabled me to feel like a mom whom hadn't endured such a tragic loss...one whom was just filled with hope and anticipation of their child's arrival...just like my former naive self.  

It was hard not to feel some excitement being that portions of the ultrasound were done in 4D.  We were never afforded the opportunity of these scans with Larissa and they are absolutely amazing.  Our little one resembles Larissa, having been blessed (or not so blessed) with my nose.  He or she kept blocking her face with his or her arms, making it challenging for us to get a view.  My husband and I laugh that they are our baby's paparazzi shots, trying to block the view being that he or she is frustrated with my constant poking and prodding of my belly.  But, determined we were, and we have many photos of our precious baby wiggling inside of me.  Pregnancy is amazing and even after a loss, one cannot help but get excited.  After all, I am this child's lifeline and it is my nutrition enabling this child to thrive...we are one and I hope that in a few months our child can thrive without my blood supply and that we are leaving the hospital with a healthy newborn.