Grief Knows No Time Line

The holiday season: a time of year filled with hustle and bustle, parties, decorating, baking, gift exchange and a time of great joy.  Yes, it should be a time of great joy and happiness but I know all too well that grief knows no time line.  Grief, sadness and loss do not stop for any holiday or otherwise joyous day.  I wander through the mall this year looking for Christmas gifts and trying to ignore the happy holiday tunes blasting in the background.  I purchase each gift with the recipient in mind trying to bring a smile to each of their faces.  Meanwhile, I wipe a tear from my eye each time I visit the mall and see the line of infants and small children waiting to sit on Santa's lap.  I put my blinders on as I pass the infants' departments in the mall and see the glistening Christmas dresses that Larissa will never wear.  I cannot help but wonder how many of the people I pass are longing for a loved one whom is battling a serious illness and/or has recently or not so recently passed away.  Christmas should be a time of great joy, but it is for many people a time of great sadness.  Every year on Christmas I think of each person celebrating alone on this alleged joyous day and of each person confined to a hospital, nursing home and/or other unpleasant institution. 

Last year at this time, I have very few memories of the holiday season.  It was supposed to be a time when my husband and I would be busy with our newborn daughter, whose arrival was scheduled just before Thanksgiving.  Again, grief and loss know no time line.  They strike one at the most inopportune times.  Too many people in this world sit beside their loved ones holding their hand as they take their last breath during this holiday season.  The holidays are forever changed for me as I will always be reminded of our tragic loss.  I engage myself this year in decorating, baking and shopping as I find keeping myself busy keeps my mind occupied and enables me to focus on some positives in life.  After all, I do love a decorated home and this year I look at our decorated Christmas tree with two ornaments in memory of our daughter.  I don't need these visual reminders to think of Larissa, as she is on my mind daily, but it is our way of including her in the holiday season each year.  However, our house has hidden items of what should have been everywhere I turn.  I opened the closet to get out wrapping paper the other day and my heart stopped briefly as I saw Larissa's Baby Bjorn and play mat tucked away in the corner.   Every instance where a tucked away baby item is revealed in our house, I am hit with such sadness and grief and reminders of this time last year and the reality of losing Larissa.  I am also reminded of each newly bereaved parent in our shoes this year.  I know we are not the first parents to lose and a child and unfortunately are not the last.  Many newly bereaved parents are battling this holiday season with ache in their hearts for their missing precious child.

For any newly bereaved parent whom has found my site in hopes of finding someone whom has walked down that dark path of grief, I offer you this....

It is just a little over one year since we said 'hello' and 'goodbye' to our precious daughter all in the same day.  It has been a long, awful year of sadness and extreme pain and trying to find a new 'normal.' I hope that each newly bereaved parent reading this post finds the strength to get through each day and finds some joy and happiness in their lives again.  It is true that grief and sadness know no time line and that life must go on.  I am proof that it does indeed go on and you have no choice but to go with it.  Here I am, one  year after our loss, and as I decorated our tree this year with 'Our Happy Life Together' ornaments I am reminded of a few positives this year.  I hung the  ornament shaped like a fish which symbolizes blessings...and yes this year I feel blessed.   We are blessed for the forty weeks I had with Larissa and blessed with the life growing inside of me once again.  I also reflected on my life in this past year when I hung the two ornaments from the kit that symbolize true love and happiness.  This year I am grateful for the true love Larissa taught both myself and her father and I am grateful for feeling moments of happiness once again.  One year ago today, the thought of smiling and experiencing joy ever again was incomprehensible.  However, there are things that bring me happiness: memories of my pregnancy with Larissa, my supportive husband, family and friends, and the movement of our new addition to our family fluttering inside my belly. 

Time won't heal your pain, but you will become more accustomed to carrying around with you the weight of your loss.  I hope that each of you finds joy and happiness in your lives again.