Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving...a holiday which was once my favorite is now compounded by the loss of Larissa.  Sure, this year I am less raw with pain than last and with every bite of Thanksgiving dinner that was consumed I was reminded of last year when I was unable to eat even one morsel.

This year some of that raw pain is replaced with hope and thankfulness.  I am so very thankful for every jab and kick I felt this year on Thanksgiving from our little one, reminding me once again that there is life growing inside of me.  I am also thankful for my loving husband, mom, sisters, co-workers and true best friend whom have been here for me in the past year during my darkest days.  I am thankful to them for allowing me to cry, scream, kick and just be.  Without the support of my family and friends I am not sure where I would be today.   Last year at this time I felt I had nothing to be thankful for and/or live for.  Never did I think one year later I would feel some joy in my life again.  I miss Larissa so much it hurts and I am reminded of what we have lost daily.  

Recently, I was at the post office and I saw a mom with her infant son.  He was sitting in the car seat carrier and I saw his little hands moving and wiggling from the side.  I looked at that wiggling hand with such envy and pain.  Such pain for wanting that so badly it hurts.  But once again, I know I will never have Larissa but I am thankful for the forty weeks I had with her.  I know I was given the joy of pregnancy with Larissa, which is something, sadly, other women never get to experience.   I am grateful to Larissa for teaching me the meaning of true love because although our situation was far from ideal, a parent cannot help but admire their child upon delivery with the utmost love and admiration.  

So this year on Thanksgiving, one year and one week after losing our precious daughter, I am once again hopeful and thankful.  I am thankful for having made it through that awful first year and each first holiday without our daughter.  I am thankful for the little life that grows inside of me and so hopeful that we will get to bring home a healthy baby in just a few months.  But even with my thankfulness, I am still so very sad.  I am sad for what we have lost, sad for what will never be and sad that even though people often wish for us to have the family we so desire; sad that I know our family will always be minus one.  Larissa is going to be a big sister and she isn't here to experience that.  Larissa will forever be our firstborn and will always be honored as such and even though life goes on and one has no choice but to move along with it, our lives have forever been changed.  I think about and miss Larissa daily...time does not change that and I have realized in the past year that unfortunately I am not alone and that there are many women whom sit down at Thanksgiving dinner missing their children whom they have lost much too soon.