Dear Larissa,
I woke up this morning with memories of last year at this time. It was the time of day where your Dad and I anxiously awaited our doctor's arrival at the hospital to determine how I would bring you into this world. We already knew the devastating news, and I was overwhelmed with emotions as I struggled with labor and delivery. I was dreading this birthday, worried about what kind of emotions I would feel. Your dad and I have the day off of work as we would have if you were here alive and well.
I made a conscious decision to devote this day entirely to positive memories of you. You provided me with such joy and love for 40 weeks of my life. Those weeks were certainly the most memorable of my 30 years here on Earth and I am forever grateful to you for that.
Your dad and I worked on our packets created in your honor to deliver to local hospitals. At your time of birth 10:51am, we had brought our packets to the Geisinger hospital office and had mailed a large box of packets and baby blankets to General Hospital. It upsets me that this is the way we have to celebrate this day, but I know how much other parents stories helped me in the months after we said our hellos and goodbyes and hope that our packets will positively affect many other bereaved parents.
I listen to so many other moms with such envy when they talk about planning their child's birthday parties. Often times, they become stressed with the details and complain about how much has to be completed before the party begins. I listen, in silence, thinking "you do not know what I would give to have my daughter here, planning her first birthday right now." Instead, your father and I purchased a beautiful bouquet and balloons to place at your graveside. Again, it is all we can do. I envisioned a birthday party with a smiling, happy one year old daughter, with balloons and cupcakes and everything pink and purple.
I wonder what you would look like at the age of one. I envision a beautiful little girl with dark curly hair and a happy personality. I will never know what milestones you would have completed by now. I wonder...would you be walking or crawling, babbling or perhaps saying your first words? What would be your favorite toy or book? Would you sleep through the night? Would you be a good eater? I will continue to wonder about you for the rest of my life.
I recall the day I delivered you like it was yesterday. I cannot believe one year has passed. The first few months after your birthday, time stood still. Each and every minute was a struggle. I cry daily for what we have lost and know that most mom's hold the day they gave birth to each of their children near and dear to their hearts. Your birthday is even more special as your dad and I had to say 'hello' and 'goodbye' all in one day. It hurts me deeply that you are not here, and it is incomprehensible how so many babies are born perfectly healthy each and every day. That seems like an impossible task to us. My heart aches for you as do my arms. I long to feel the weight of your body in my arms again. Every time I feel the flutter of life inside me yet again from your younger brother or sister I am reminded of my forty weeks with you. Little girls' clothing, childrens' books and toys, the color pink, pregnant women and happy parents are a constant reminder of what we had and have lost. I cherished every minute I spent with you and will always honor you as our firstborn.
We love you Larissa and miss you more than words can ever express.
Love,
Mom
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