A parent...technically, by definition is anyone who is a mother or father. However, I know that many people out there would disagree. After all, don't many people believe that anyone can be a mother or father, but it takes a lot of love and devotion to be a good parent? I struggle with this definition. Sure, I am a mother to our precious daughter Larissa and mom to a little one on the way. However, I was never given the opportunity to parent Larissa. Some people term one as a parent after they have changed many diapers, had several sleepless nights and feed, bathe and care for their child. Again, none of the above was I afforded the opportunity to do so with our firstborn daughter.
This is a matter of semantics which causes me great distress. I know that moms to living children (especially multiple children) do not view me as a parent. They may not even recognize me as a mom. They are the parents whom measure their ability to be a parent by the amount of time and love devoted to each of their children. These are the people that I often wonder if, heaven forbid, they ever lose one of their children, would they still consider themselves a parent? The answer is simple, of course they would...so shouldn't I too be considered a parent?
I parent Larissa in a different light. My daughter is not here to feed, bathe, or teach the likings of the universe. However, she was here for 40 weeks and was and continues to be loved deeply. And yes, I can certainly relate to the sleepless nights, but my daughter keeps me awake at night for far different reasons than crying for her mother or father. And as unfortunate as it is, I had to try to cope with our most tragic loss and determine new ways to parent our daughter. In honor of our daughter, I have created an informational packet which includes the book Still, a letter to bereaved parents, our story of loss and pages of resources. We donate these packets to our local hospitals yearly in honor of Larissa. We recently mailed a donation to the hospital in which I delivered Larissa and the director of nursing called in great appreciation. She expressed her gratitude, stating the importance of such packets for bereaved parents. She told me that I am a terrific mother and an amazing woman for honoring our daughter in such a meaningful way.
She is right...I am a good mom. Sure, our daughter isn't here to parent in the typical sense of the word. However, we parent her in the best way we can...by honoring her memory by helping many other bereaved parents. I am reminded of what a good parent I am each time I receive an email or call from a newly bereaved parent in search of my support. I am also reminded of what a good parent I am each time I reach out to these parents in need and help them through the most challenging time of their lives. So, yes indeed, I am not only a mom, but I am a parent to our stillborn daughter Larissa and one on the way.
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