People Will Never Understand

Why is it that I am the one that always feels badly when people ask the dreaded question "Is this your first?"  I never deny Larissa's existence as she was very real and will forever be a part of our family, yet I always hesitate with my answer to that question.  Sometimes I leave it at "No, this is our second" and hope the conversation ends with that.  Other times I have to go into detail and deal with people's look of pity and embedding silence as they do not know how to respond.  

That's interesting to me...people just don't know what to say.  And why would they?  I am in such a minority that of course no one can even fathom what has happened to us.  I am so irritated and tired with people's ignorance and lack of knowing what to say, that I cannot stand it anymore.  I am an outspoken person to begin with and being 33 weeks pregnant is bringing out the most ugly side of my personality.  I am on edge and hypersensitive.  It's funny to me how I find myself telling others it is okay when I tell them about my past, as I feel bad because of their reactions.  Well, I am tired of it.  I am so damn tired of people saying whatever the hell they want to say to me without any regards to my feelings and I have to feel badly about letting others know about my traumatic past that haunts me each and every day! 

Let's begin with the million dollar question...."Are they going to do a C-section this time?"  WTF?!!!  People obviously do not realize how nervous that question makes me...leaves me awake at night plagued with worry that it was horrific enough that my first daughter died before labor was even induced last time and that getting to labor and delivery with a live child does not guarantee a live child at the end of delivery.  And to answer that stupid question...no, a C-section is not planned.  My daughter did not die during labor and delivery...even though I had to labor and deliver our deceased daughter.  An experience that will forever scar me.  It makes me so sad and angry and leaves me with such worry with this current pregnancy.  I want so hard to believe in this little one, but all I know is fetal demise.  Losing your first child changes you in ways one cannot put into words.  I am traumatized but it goes further than that.  I worry about everything: worry if the baby isn't moving, worry if the baby is moving too much, worry with each and every growing pain I am experiencing.  And aside from the trauma, my view on life has changed.  I wish I can say I am one of those woman who took a bad situation and made the most of it.  In some sense I did...with the creation of my informational packets to help other bereaved parents along in their journey.  But, I am no longer the person I was before Larissa.  Life is cruel and so very unfair and sure I continue on this venture of my so called life, but I am depressed, angry and bitter.  The jovial Jolon that people once knew is gone and will never return.

I am also very tired of the comments "Everything happens for a reason." or "It is all in God's plan."  Again, I am so tired of people genuinely believing that.  Let them lose any of their children and see how they feel about those stupid coping words, as I like to call them.  What reason would that be?  Again, life is cruel and the world is an unfair place.  Undeserving parents (and I use the term parent loosely) have multiple children.  Not because they want to nurture them and provide a meaningful life for them, but rather because they are the people that are blessed multiple times.  

I potentially have 4 or 6 weeks remaining to this pregnancy based on lung maturity.  Give me the strength to get through this next month or so.  I need patience...my patience has been lost on everyone's insensitive comments.  What I really need is to hide in my house for the next four to six weeks and avoid all of society.  However, I know that is not possible, so for the next four to six weeks I will grin and bear it as that is all I can do.  I will try my hardest to focus on my little one and try to believe and gain confidence that all will be well this time around.