I felt compelled to blog as I have been meaning to log on for a few weeks now as I am approaching the end of my pregnancy, currently at 36 weeks pregnant. This is the time of pregnancy that first time moms are overwhelmed with the typical fears of delivery and bringing home baby. My fears go beyond that and my mind is constantly racing. Sleepless nights, irrational thoughts, constant worry and deja vu to my delivery with Larissa.
This Thursday, we will schedule an amnio to see if our baby's lungs are mature to deliver a few weeks early being that we lost Larissa at 40 weeks gestation. I did an amnio with Ambree, so my fears of something going wrong during the procedure are minimal. Instead, I'm overwhelmed with the fear that something is going to happen to either the baby or me during delivery. It will be three years on November 15th that we were forced to say 'hello' and 'goodbye' to our firstborn daughter on the day we finally got to meet her. Now, with the temperatures getting cooler, Thanksgiving and my due date approaching, I can't help but wonder, "what will go wrong this time?" Three years ago, I had no life in me and would have wished that I could leave this world. This time around, I'm so fearful something is going to happen to me during delivery and that my wish will be granted and I won't be here to raise Ambree and our newborn.
November, to me, is tainted. It's mind boggling to me the number of birthdays celebrated this month. In my head, it's an impossibility that any baby can be born alive during this month. Couple losing Larissa with my trauma and superstitions of the month of November, that I am now convinced I will be taken from this world in order to bring a newborn into it. I'm petrified. I'm hoping its just the trauma of my experience because believe me that trauma stays with you. For example, I'm uneasy when my husband takes Ambree out without me. I always think something terrible is going to happen and I won't be there to protect them. The irony of that situation is that Larissa was inside of me and I failed as her mom to protect her.
People keep commenting about Ambree adjusting to a newborn and Mike and I adjusting to two. What these people fail to realize is that after a full-term loss, those 'normal' fears are not what crosses my mind. Instead, I worry about my baby being healthy, arriving here alive and me surviving the C-section. Flashbacks to November of 2010 keep crossing my mind: being told there's no heartbeat, my husband crying beside me, me in denial and laboring and delivering to have my precious firstborn silently enter this world. And worst of all, cradling our baby in our arms to have less than a day with her before we had to say 'goodbye.'
I'll end this by saying that anyone whom has not walked in my shoes would think its crazy to think some of the thoughts I'm experiencing right down to thinking I should have a will prepared in case something were to go wrong. However, for any of you whom are reading this because you personally have experienced my pain, you know these fears and irrational thoughts are all part of the trauma of giving birth to death. I can only hope that these are indeed irrational fears and that my next post will be one of joy after our newborn's safe arrival.
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