I haven't neglected my blog by choice and certainly haven't failed to blog in light of what would have been Larissa's third birthday. Instead, we were celebrating this year in a new way. I was a day shy of 38 weeks pregnant three years to the date that we learned the devastating news that our precious firstborn had no heartbeat. So, on this sad date, I was in the hospital for a scheduled C-section, following an amnio that was completed two days prior to determine lung maturity.
Yes, three years to the date of the worst day of my life, we were back in the same hospital ready to deliver our third child. We arrived at the hospital with our usual anxieties surrounding our baby's delivery and this year I had a new fear of something terrible happening to me during the surgery. How can I not have a fear? Up to the delivery of this little baby, we have never experienced a 'normal' delivery per say. We entered the labor and delivery unit and passed that awful and familiar room in which I delivered Larissa. We were greeted by my OB and were told we were the only ones delivering at that time. Turns out, I was the only delivery that entire day.
Surprisingly, as they prepped me for my scheduled surgery, I felt oddly calm. Perhaps it was the date of our little baby's delivery or perhaps it was all that my baby had endured and survived in utero that made me feel it was going to be okay. Either way, I was calm and almost felt Larissa with us. The date of our baby's delivery was too ironic to not feel that Larissa had sent us this blessing.
Fast forward three hours after arriving at the hospital for prep before my surgery. We went into the surgery room and at 12:21pm, a little boy (yes, a boy) arrived safely and healthy, screaming (despite the cord being wrapped around his little neck). He was a healthy 8lbs 5oz and 20.5 inches long. We named him Austin...a name we finally agreed upon a few weeks prior to delivery. I had a feeling it was a boy as we never had agreed upon a boy's name with my previous pregnancies. It certainly didn't eliminate any shock from us, however, as during the amnio twice our baby was referred to as a 'she' which really made us ready to deliver another little girl. So, needless to say, we were surprised and had to adjust to having a boy. Boys diaper changes certainly are more of a challenge and man, can that little guy eat.
So, yes, three years to the date of learning the unthinkable about Larissa, we welcomed a new bundle into our lives. I sit and look at my little man in awe. His pregnancy brought with it many 'concerns' all of which turned out to be nothing. He truly is our little miracle and I have a new confidence that Larissa is truly with us. Like I said before, it's almost like I felt her presence during his delivery. She sent us this little miracle and Ambree just adores him. She is constantly giving him kisses and wakes in the morning asking for 'the baby.' If you asked me three years ago what I thought about life my sentiments were "Life is shit." This year, however, I've come to accept that life is filled with good and bad. Right now, things are good. I'll always long for my precious firstborn and miss her daily. However, we have a choice to stay in that horrific cycle of grief or to try to move on and somehow accept what we have been dealt. Well, I owe it to my two living, precious children to be present and alive for them and to embrace the joy that they have brought me. A joy I never thought possible to feel ever again...
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